1. God

It is adamantly purported by many to be the single most important truth of existence, that there is but one god. Which god is that? Well, you know, God - the one and only. THE God. God, with a capital letter - God. And, if we choose (thank God, God gave us the power of choice) to believe in some other asshole god, the real God has promised to condemn us to a long and tortuous soaking in the eternal lapping flames of Hell (at least that’s what we’ve been told by our parents, pastors, rabbis, priests, and other bullies on the playground of life). Yep. God’s got his own steamy little plaything called: Hell. Must be fun being God. But, I digress.

Before I reel into a binge of ecstasy, enumerating the many virtues of God’s benevolence and condemnation, I should point out that, since what mankind has defined as "The Dawn of Time", God has had at least 3,000 serious competitors. And those are just the ones we know of (<= for those of you who have only heard of them, yet never actually seen one in the wild, this is a dangling participle).

Because the Sumerians began writing things down only about 6,000 years ago, there could be thousands – millions – billions - trillions more gods out there who don’t make the list simply due to bad timing. A “Who’s Who” list of gods through the ages is reminiscent of Tom Lehrer’s song, The Elements:

African Gods
Australian Gods
Aztec Gods
Caribbean Gods
Celtic Gods
Chinese Gods
Egyptian Gods
Finnish Gods
Greek Gods
Incan Gods
Indian Gods
Japanese Gods
Mayan Gods
Mesopotamian Gods
Middle-Eastern Gods
Native American Gods
Norse Gods Oceanic
Gods Polynesian Gods
Roman Gods
Slavic And Baltic Gods
South American Gods
(And - the Abrahamic gods, which include the Jewish, Christian and Muslim God.)

“These are the only ones of which the news has come to Ha'vard, and there may be many others but they haven't been dis-ca-vard. La-lalalalala-la-la”. (Thank you Mr. Lehrer!)

In addition, there are those sexy, much-revered Olympian gods; great characters they, with heroic names like . . .

Apollo (had his very own space program)
Ares
Demeter
Dionysus
Hephaestu
Hera
Hermes (has a VERY upscale boutique on Rodeo Drive!)
Poseidon (got a BIG movie deal)
Zeus (although he condemned Prometheus to having his liver eaten by a giant eagle for giving the Flames of Olympus to the mortals, his favorite bird was the Golden Eagle, his favorite tree was the oak, and he DEFINITELY knew how to get laid! I like him for President).

Also, the “minor physical gods” who are not of substantial enough character to be mentioned here by name.

Am I a sexist? Hell, no! And, just to prove it, here are some goddesses for ya . . . that’s right, we’re steppin’ into the realm of chick gods!

APHRODITE - Greek Goddess of Love and Beauty
ARTEMIS - Greek Goddess of Hunting and Vegetation
ATHENA - Greek Goddess of Wisdom and War
CERES - Roman Goddess of Agriculture
DEMETER - Greek Goddess of Agriculture
DEVI - Hindu Goddess of Existence
DIANA - Roman Goddess of Hunting
DURGA - Hindu Goddess that Destroys Demons
GAIA - Greek Goddess as Mother Earth
HA HAI-I WUHTI - Hopi Divine Mother
HECATE - Greek Goddess of Magic
ISHTAR - Babylonian Goddess of War
ISIS - Egyptian Goddess
JUNO - Roman Goddess of Women (she, of www.juno.com fame)
KALI - Hindu Goddess of Liberation
KUAN YIN - Buddhist Goddess of Compassion
LAKSHMI - Hindu Goddess of Prosperity
MINERVA - Roman Goddess of Arts
PERSEPHONE - Greek Goddess of the Underworld
SARASVATI - Hindu Goddess of Knowledge and Arts
SHAKTI - Hindu Goddess of Primal Energy
TARA - Tibetan Goddess of Compassion
VENUS - Roman Goddess of Love and Beauty

But, I could not live with myself comfortably if I were to disparage by omission, the one, the only . . . the Mother Goddess of Creation!

This, from: http://www.goddess.ws/goddess-as-creatrix.html

“For most of us, when we say "Divine Mother" or "The Goddess" we are talking about the Supreme Being as the creatrix of the universe who expresses compassion and love in a very personal, direct, and intimate way in the same way that a loving mother cares for her children.

“Words fail to say who or what the Goddess is but She can be known and experienced in a direct and personal way. This means that we can't say for sure how big She is or where She came from or what Her ultimate form is or why She is. What we can do is enter into a relationship with Her, a communion that is very intimate, close, loving and personal. She will be our best friend and confidant and our patient teacher.”

Love those capitalized pronouns: “She”, “Her”, etc. (sort of gives God a meaningful run for His money.)

Do not begin to surmise that the “Creatrix” is just comin’ along for the ride. She is not just A creatrix, She is THE CREATRIX! And, she’s willing to get close. Remember: “What we can do is enter into a relationship with Her, a communion that is very intimate, close, loving and personal.” I wonder . . . just how intimate is “very intimate”? Wouldn’t it be sooooo awesomely cooool if she was gay?!

Well, the list is veritably endless. And I’ve only touched on one-and-a-half genders. So, who you gonna call?

God - of course.